I ran them into a set of deuces, and was eliminated 2323rd out of 2323. Eschewing context for sensationalism, Bluffmagazine.com declared, "Celebrity players have traditionally had a tough time in the online poker arena; Wil Wheaton (Stand by Me) was the celebrity host last weekend on PokerStars.com, and after losing a heads-up match to the TLB winner of the week, he was promptly knocked out first out of 2323 players in the weekly $1 million guaranteed prize pool tournament." I guess the fact that I had played limit O/8 for less than one full day, yet still managed to play for 90 minutes against one of the best in the world doesn't really count for anything there. Nor, apparently, does the fact that I'm not a celebrity poker player in any way that means anything. Just ask the producers of Celebrity Poker Showdown if you'd like to confirm this fact.
That's a tough way to go down, but there are far worse things than going broke with aces early on in a tourney on a J-high flop, when it's likely that you're up against some dude pushing it all in with AJ (it's certainly no worse than going broke with queens on the bubble by running them into aces, which I've done. Twice.) but you don't get a job working for Entertainment We(a)kly if you don't know how to kick a pseudo-celebrity like me in the junk, so good job, Bluffmagazine.com, and thank you for putting me as close to Pamela Anderson as i'm ever going to get without worrying about the Hep. C, and thank you for making me appear to be a completely clueless celebrity player who has never won anything or made a respectable finish in a big tourney.
UPDATE: I heard from Ian McKenzie, who wrote the blurb at bluffmagazine dot com. Ian says,
I certainly didn't mean to portray you as a bad player, as the poker world knows you are one of the more skilled and experienced celebrity players.So Ian, it turns out, is a decent fellow, and that job at EW will probably not go his way. Anyway, I've thanked him privately, so now I'm thanking him publicly.
The TLB winner's are always tough to beat, as they obviously spend more time playing than anyone who has a job/social life possibly can.
Anyhow, I will edit my story to include some context. I would have included the way you went out the $1 million, but I didn't see the hand.
But enough about that. How did I earn the coveted title of UltraGigli?
Tonight, in the WWdN Tuesday tourney, I found pocket kings in MP about two orbits into the game. Just as I do when I always see pocket kings, I said, outloud, "Oh shit. Here I go." With blinds still at 10 and 20, here was a raise to 100 ahead of me, which almost always screams AK or AQ, so I came back over the top for 350 to get heads-up. He re-raised me, I re-raised again (I meant to push and slipped off the slider like a Former Star Trek Actor) and eventually all the money went in. He showed AQc, paired his Q on the flop, caught an Ace on the turn, and IGHN.
Since I was Gigli'd in back-to-back tourneys, first with Aces and then with Kings, I now declare that I am the JLo's glorious ass part of Gigli. I am, in fact, the UltraGigli.
Hear me roarpke.